Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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