One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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