broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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