new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
two words: eviction party
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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