You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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