i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
