I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
