so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
