I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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