Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
