Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
