I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
