The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This house was built for laser tag.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
