You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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