from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize