You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
