I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
