We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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