i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
organizing the empties. That sober.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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