The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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