I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
