So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
