I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
