i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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