He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
