I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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