when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize