Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
