It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
