So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
