you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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