Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
