hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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