hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
