My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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