guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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