On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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