Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
