You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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