tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
