dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
