I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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