The maid of honor just puked.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
