just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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