theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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