Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's great music for shaving your balls
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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