Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
