i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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