was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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