its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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