Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
