The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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