I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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