Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
