Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
