Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
