Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
