Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
